For many people, the most painful aspect of living in a mixed orientation marriage is dealing with their children. Both parties may experience guilt, anxiety and confusion when deciding what to tell their children. In the case of divorce, there is the added burden of custody and visitation issues. To make matters worse, if the relationship becomes embittered, children are many times used as a tool for manipulation by one or both parties.
There is only one rule of thumb when making decisions regarding children: determine what course of action is in their best interest. While this is not always clear cut, it is certainly the point at which any discussion or problem solving should begin. If you and your spouse are not able to come to agreements regarding custody and visitation, the court will decide for you. At this point you give up your control. Therefore it is in your and your spouse’s best interest to come to a solution on your own.
Many people feel that they should give their children a choice in visitation or custody decisions. While in some instances this may be appropriate, most times parents should make these determinations. People often feel they are helping their children by providing this freedom—in reality, children are being asked to choose one parent over the other, which is stressful and unfair. Children may also feel pressured into decisions based on loyalty to the stronger willed parent. Finally, children may have immature motives for their choices. They may choose the more lenient parent over the one who regularly provides direction and care. Or they may choose the parent that has more material resources (i.e., money!).
Sometimes a straight spouse will sue for custody claiming that the gay spouse is an unfit parent. Legitimate independent research overwhelmingly shows that children raised in gay households are as emotionally well balanced as those who are raised with heterosexual couples. Second, there is no indication that having a gay parent makes the child more or less likely to be gay themselves. Finally, if the gay parent has shown good parenting skills all along, then that is what custody should be decided upon. Therefore, the sexual orientation should not be a factor in visitation or custody agreements. Seek legal help immediately if you are gay and believe your spouse is forcing decisions based on your sexual orientation.
There is only one rule of thumb when making decisions regarding children: determine what course of action is in their best interest. While this is not always clear cut, it is certainly the point at which any discussion or problem solving should begin. If you and your spouse are not able to come to agreements regarding custody and visitation, the court will decide for you. At this point you give up your control. Therefore it is in your and your spouse’s best interest to come to a solution on your own.
Many people feel that they should give their children a choice in visitation or custody decisions. While in some instances this may be appropriate, most times parents should make these determinations. People often feel they are helping their children by providing this freedom—in reality, children are being asked to choose one parent over the other, which is stressful and unfair. Children may also feel pressured into decisions based on loyalty to the stronger willed parent. Finally, children may have immature motives for their choices. They may choose the more lenient parent over the one who regularly provides direction and care. Or they may choose the parent that has more material resources (i.e., money!).
Sometimes a straight spouse will sue for custody claiming that the gay spouse is an unfit parent. Legitimate independent research overwhelmingly shows that children raised in gay households are as emotionally well balanced as those who are raised with heterosexual couples. Second, there is no indication that having a gay parent makes the child more or less likely to be gay themselves. Finally, if the gay parent has shown good parenting skills all along, then that is what custody should be decided upon. Therefore, the sexual orientation should not be a factor in visitation or custody agreements. Seek legal help immediately if you are gay and believe your spouse is forcing decisions based on your sexual orientation.
Keeping Children First
©2007 Patricia Cheney
©2007 Patricia Cheney