One of the most difficult hurdles you will probably face when coming out in midlife is the initial realization and acceptance of your sexual identity. On message boards, people in this phase often say they are questioning or curious. When trying to figure this out for yourself, it is important to examine the reason you are questioning your sexuality in the first place. Are you simply not satisfied in you current heterosexual relationship, or have you fallen for a member of the same sex?
The key point in deciding if you are lesbian (or bisexual) or not, is romantic attraction to the same sex. A physical relationship does not have to exist. In fact, the object of your affection may be unaware. Being lesbian does not mean you are involved in the dating scene or in social events with other lesbians. It is not what you wear or how you talk. The core element of lesbianism is attraction to another woman in a romantic way. Initially the only person who knows if that is true is you.
So, if you recently met a woman, have developed a really strong bond with her and want to spend all your spare time together, are you a lesbian? Not necessarily, but maybe. Do you get butterflies when you get a call from her? Is she on your mind many times a day? Do you feel like you don’t want the time to end when you are together? Can you imagine yourself touching her? Do you ache when you are apart from her? If you have answered yes to these questions, there is a good possibility that your friendship is more than that, at least on your side. You are most likely experiencing lesbian love.
Of course, there is usually a problem with this scenario. The problem is that the women you meet in everyday life are usually not lesbian. They are usually straight. This situation produces a great deal of angst on your part and is also where questioning comes in. She does not seem to feel the way you do, causing you to question your own feelings and perceptions. You may ask yourself if this is real, if you are going crazy or if you should end the friendship. You do not receive any validation from your friend and may in fact be rejected if you reveal your feelings.
This is not a healthy situation to be in. If you are romantically attracted to a woman you can assume you are at the minimum bisexual and likely a lesbian. If this is the case, the healthiest thing you can do is to make contact with the lesbian community in your area, to meet others like yourself. If there are support groups or organizations, contact them to find out more information. Get counseling or seek a GLBT coach to help you navigate this transition.
The key point in deciding if you are lesbian (or bisexual) or not, is romantic attraction to the same sex. A physical relationship does not have to exist. In fact, the object of your affection may be unaware. Being lesbian does not mean you are involved in the dating scene or in social events with other lesbians. It is not what you wear or how you talk. The core element of lesbianism is attraction to another woman in a romantic way. Initially the only person who knows if that is true is you.
So, if you recently met a woman, have developed a really strong bond with her and want to spend all your spare time together, are you a lesbian? Not necessarily, but maybe. Do you get butterflies when you get a call from her? Is she on your mind many times a day? Do you feel like you don’t want the time to end when you are together? Can you imagine yourself touching her? Do you ache when you are apart from her? If you have answered yes to these questions, there is a good possibility that your friendship is more than that, at least on your side. You are most likely experiencing lesbian love.
Of course, there is usually a problem with this scenario. The problem is that the women you meet in everyday life are usually not lesbian. They are usually straight. This situation produces a great deal of angst on your part and is also where questioning comes in. She does not seem to feel the way you do, causing you to question your own feelings and perceptions. You may ask yourself if this is real, if you are going crazy or if you should end the friendship. You do not receive any validation from your friend and may in fact be rejected if you reveal your feelings.
This is not a healthy situation to be in. If you are romantically attracted to a woman you can assume you are at the minimum bisexual and likely a lesbian. If this is the case, the healthiest thing you can do is to make contact with the lesbian community in your area, to meet others like yourself. If there are support groups or organizations, contact them to find out more information. Get counseling or seek a GLBT coach to help you navigate this transition.
Coming Out In Midlife: Am I A Lesbian?
©2008 Patricia Cheney
©2008 Patricia Cheney